Where it all begins

"I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins..."

Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield

Kosovo

Today was a good day. These are my Kosovo pals. And that's the Kosovo flag in the background. I finally am able to remember Tafil's name (he's on the right). But I'm still working on even pronouncing my other friend's name let alone trying to remember it.

Kosovo is near Greece and they have good music.

I was watching one music video with them at lunch time and it was pretty funny. What is this word they keep saying I ask as I repeat it. They laugh and tell me it's a bad word. :) Haha. I guess it was about people from the country and the city and they were making fun of them... But I'm not sure if they were making fun of both groups or the country people being in the city. Hmm...

For 3 years of work these guys make $100,000 which is nothing to KBR, (I don't know what this stands for exactly although most of us have agreed it's an acronym for Keep Bush Rich. KBR is the company or group that hiars Americans and third country nationals to work on base.) but is kind of crap when an American can make $80,000 a year just watching some Indian guy pump gas and have everyone that fills up sign a sheet of paper.

Apparently Kosovo is a really great place, so I might add to my list of stops when I go backpacking through Europe.

Morning thoughts (with red Bull wings).

It's a random Tuesday morning and as I sit here sipping red bull I can't help but smile. Life is still good... Even in Iraq.

I've read 3 books since I arrived here and that's something since I haven't read in almost 4 years. Except I did read one book before I left home, What Good Boys. Since I've been here I've read The Last Witness, What Dreams May Come, and Angela's Ashes. I also read a short story by Steven King, but wasn't impressed.

book reviews
The Last Witness was a good concept although I think it was poorly written. The book contained too much self pity on part of the author and an annying child-like need for approval. I thought it could have really benefitted from having a few more quotes from the letters the author had in correspondance with the serial killers. I do think he did an excellent job of describing what happened when he visited one of them in a Chicago prison though.

What Dreams May come is 10 times better than the movie and I like the author's take on religon regardless of whether it follows my own beliefs or not. He actually acknowledged that people put off vibrations and made a few referrences to the former and I for one was and still am happy to hear someone else finally acknowledge the same thing I've been feeling. This book was amazingly well written a great read and shows tremendous imagination and belief on the part of the author. I hear he's written some darker stuff as well and I'll be sure to check out more of his works.

Angela's Ashes in a memoir. This book is amazing not only because the author was able to write truly from the eyes of a child but the detail with which he is able to recall all the events in his life. This put to life a lot of stories my own grandmother had told me from her youth. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult life must have been back in the 1930's... And the only thing I can really say in the negative is that I was dissappointed at the end left not knowing if his family ever made it to America.

driving lessons
I reviewed how to drive a standard with a friend the other day and then yesterday I drove one all by myself. I'll admit I did have to ask someone how to get it to start. Clutch in and throw that baby in neutral first thing. We have these Ford Ranger 4x4 extended cabs that run on diesel. And I've never heard of a regular truck running on diesel before. They're so nice, I want to bring one home with me.

a bit of culture
There's an Indian guy who works at one of our posts. His name is Harry. I guess he chose that name because no one can say his real name. Harry is a really nice guy and he even let me borrow an Indian music video he has. He's going to teach me how to play Rummy. :)

I bought a burnt CD of some Turkish pop music from the Turkish gift shop, which really doesn't sell anything Turkish, but rather electronical devices at ridiculous prices. I just happened to walk in and ask if they had any Turkish music or else I'd never know you could buy any there.

Mohammad who works at the Iraqi Market gave me a video with some live traditional Muslim music and I really like it. I just wish I could put the music on a CD somehow...

Tonight I'm heading over to the Army side with Riley to salsa dance with the Army and Italians. The Italians wear ridiculously skimpy and tight clothing and I think I'm still scarred from seeing one man's entire package bulging from his bike shorts. The Italians are always in our gym working out and I'm beginning to think their culture is either a really healthy one or maybe just obsessed with their looks.

I haven't gotten the opportunity to speak with any of the Japanese yet or Romanians, English, or Australians. But I'm hoping to before I leave.

I finally signed up to tour the Ziggurat and that's what I'll be doing on Thursday, which is also my day off. I still can't believe I'm living in Ur or as we Americans call it Mesopotamia. Regardless of whether you believe in God or not you have to admire the fact that so many religions believe this place is holy. In America we have the "Bible belt" and here in Iraq they have (this place) "the cradle of Civilization".

I cant wait to hear some more history about the Ziggurat and to actually understand the reason the it was built. I know it's a temple and I have to assume it's a Muslim Temple, but there has to be more right? :)

blissful inhibitian...

She called it a vision quest, but in so many ways this feels like no right of passage. Yes I'm seeing the world from the oposite side... but with blinders on. I haven't put them up, but I know they are there. I see what they want me to see. (They being the US gov't and those appointed over me whose orders I follow.)

As I fall in step... hupt, twopt, threept, fourpt... cadence leads us and yet I have to wonder where we'll all end up. I see corruption and it makes me sick. I see shoddy leadership and I refuse to follow to closely... I see people who are working for us living like this is truly their Alcatraz and I feel guilty.

The American attitude of anyone who isn't American is the enemy is all we've been taught. And too many of us only see to the borders of where these lines have been drawn never challenging whether we are right or wrong or questioning what may lie on the other side. Never seeing the humanity behind these faces staring to us for some sort of compassion.

Our ethnicity does not make us less than human. And I see people being treated like no one should. I am ashamed. At the same time I'm glad to be here. To show a different face of America. They say people like me are soft and seen as weak. But I think the true test of character is not being strong, but rather being strong when needed and knowing when is the right time to show that strength. It's in the balance.

All I know is that Tahseen does an awsome rendition of Snoop Dogg's, "For shizzle my nizzle snoopity double drizzle..." and "west siiiiiide". :) It's people like him that make me smile and make the days seem better. You haven't lived until you've heard Snoop with an Arabic accent.

I'm learning the language here a little bit as well. The communication barriers are tough... but it's nice to be learning new things and a new culture.

I have Turkish friends who rock too. Ramazan is pretty cool. Granted he should brush his teeth, but cool none the less. Alim (A-lim) is Turkish too and I think she's a good person. She's a Civil Engineer and also the only Turkish woman who works on base. Our guys give her a hard time and call her a bitch, but if you re-read Talk to Me Now by Ani DiFranco in my last blog... "I have to be just as tough as I can..." It's true. I've heard our men talk about her basically as only being good for sex. As though they think she's a prostitute. And here she has a degree and thinks way too much of herself to be that person. In a way I admire her courage to come here and the fact that she stays. It's that sort of strength I seek.

Playing celebrity LN and TCN is fun too. :) Personally Robin Williams and Einstein are my favorites. ;) They really look the part. (Hey we gotta have our fun too.)

Lately I've been feeling really materialistic and I actually regret buying my iPod... I guess I feel selffish. Especially when there are so many people living with so much less. And it's in my face everyday... I mean if I can't be humbled here will I ever? I'm dissappointed really. Maybe it's karma that it broke. *smiles faintly*

Maybe to finally rid ourselves of that materialistic nature within ourselves we have to fully acknowledge the extent to which it runs and how deep? I've been doing a lot of deep sea diving within myself lately. What would I do if I lost it all?

If everything I have, were to become everything I had...

What i've learned so far.

"he said ani, you've gotten tough
'cause my tone was curt
yeah, and when I'm approached in a dark alley
I don't lift my skirt
in this city
self-preservation
is a full time occupation
I'm determined
to survive on this shore
you know I don't
avert my eyes anymore
in a man's world
I am a woman by birth
and after nineteen times around I have found
they will stop at nothing once they know what you are worth
talk to me now
I played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and I was blessed with a birth and a death
and I guess I just want some say in between
don't you understand
in the day to day
and the face to face
I have to act
just as strong as I can
just to preserve a place
where I can be who I am
so if you still know how
talk to me now"

Ani DiFranco, Talk To Me Now

myTunes.

It occured to me the other day that I forgot to bring some really good music with me. Among those forgotten...

1. Lovetap - Quiet Josephine
2. The Damnwells - I Will Keep the Bad Things From You
3. Bright Eyes - A Song to Pass The Time
4. America - Sister Golden Hair
5. Melissa Ferrick - Drive
6. APSCI - Anais & Godzilla
7. Pete Yorn - Life on a Chain
8. The Darkness - Get Your Hands Off My Woman
9. Bloc Party - (the entire cd)
10. Gwen - Crash
11. MIA - (Okay so I never owned this cd, but I did lucratively look for a copy before I left)
12. Cat Stevens - Moon Shadow
13. Tracey Chapman - Fast Car
14. Harry Nielson - Coconut
15. Tricky - Excess

What Dreams May Come...

My mind is whirling right now as my heart re-breaks and I'm not even ashamed of the fact that I'm crying a computer room full of people.

I just finished reading What Dreams May Come by Richard Mattheson earlier today and my mind has already been filled with thoughts of ethereal bodies, astral dreams... The wonderment of could there really be a heaven or hell? Is there a God? Is there life after death? Is there rebirth? I'm having difficulty believing any of this is more than a hopeful dream...

I received an e-mail from my father today...

"I got to spend time with mom just before she died. Her last word was love. She had a stroke, but she fought and yelled love when I told her that I loved her on friday in the emeregency room. You see the stroke took her speach. She lived untill Sunday. They put her in a room on the third floor. I went to see her at 6oclock spent an hour or so she held my hand and I told her what heaven was going to be like and talked about you kids she would look at the ceeling and look back at me in awaa. She acted like she seen something maybe an angle. I dont know then my pager went off and I told her I had to go to work. i went to put my coat on when the nurse said look.

Mom back was about 6inches off the bed and she was reaching for me the nurse was supprised they couldnt get her to move sence she got their just a wink that was all. I said I know what you want that is a big hug so I gave her one and a kiss on the forhead. I told her I loved her and that I had to go to work. she looked peaceful when i left. the nurse Jacky called me later and she told me mom went to sleep when I left and they checked on her at 8:15. Jacky went back in at8:45 and she had passed away. I belive she went to heaven. She is with dad now. She never woke up after I left.

Grandma loved you. I know she talked about you with a smile. I know we will miss her for the rest of our lives. I love and miss you hope to hear from you soon Love Dad"


"These are the days of your life, And don't let them pass you by, Cause you never know when you might take your last breath, And so take a deep one tonight..."

Alright, I'm going for a run... I need to get out of here.

coffee stained paper nakins.

I was sitting here today and wondering... do blind people play rock paper scissors and if so how? One, two, three... shout it out? And if this is how 'they do' they should never play with a seeing person because of the fact that it'd be so easy for the other person to cheat. Watching which word their lips are forming. And then, "HA!! I wiiiin again!"

These are the things we think of when the only thing we have is time. Laugh at me if you will, but this is the very essence of what is keeping me sane out here.

I realized today that in my quest to find out what war is like first hand... I've only succeeded in alienating myself further from it. People e-mail me regualarly telling me they heard about what happened 'today' and they hope I'm safe... and I think, "What? What happened..." Then I google it and end up wishing I hadn't... and maybe it's better not knowing how close danger really is.

---

Krissana... What can I say? Thanks so much for my good luck charm. :) It has been doing a great job of keeping me safe here in Iraq.

I happened to run across something over here that made me think of you and Iwant to mail it to you asap. Soooo, e-mail me your address. :)

M.I.A - Has anyone seen or heard from these two mother fuckers? Because I sure as hell haven't... Hope you girls are still alive and keeping the LBC the best place to live in SoCal.

Erin! I miss you. and our party talks of art and picture taking... I need your address, because I have something to send you. So if you read this, e-mail it to me. :)

If I were in Cali right now we'd have to go to an open mic and hit up Star Bucks for some hot chocolate. :) Plus I see Aaron Kraten has been having some shows and it'd be cool to meet him with you.

Imagine life without a car... little to no friends and being stuck on base 24/7 and you've just imagined the life of Mr. Easy E. It'd be an extremely nice gesture if one of you who know him were to call him up and maybe take him out one night. Even just dinner in San P would probably be enough to put a smile on his face.

I know it's difficult to understand, but sometimes we forget people we care about. It's the little gestures in life... those moments we go out of our way to make someone smile that are worth the most in the end.

Moment by moment.

The Library in Long Beach... hot chocolate and huge comfy couches. My journal... random thoughts. Theresa and Jenelle. Computers. And me falling asleep. :)

I miss home.

I was thinking today and what if the earth and the moon switched places in our lives... and what if Neil Armstrong had landed here instead... Would he have fallen down and truly not been able to get back up? Muscle mass is interesting. You don't use it and you'll lose it... But what if you never needed it to begin with? Does no gravity = no need for muscle?

I found Mandy Weiland's twin brother working sandbags today. I need to find out his name so I can tell her who her Iraqi brother is... And maybe I should send her a picture of him.

I am beyond tired right now. I really wish I had a friend to fall asleep next to. They wouldn't even have to cuddle. I just want someone familar near...

I experienced a weird feeling recently. I'm somewhat used to being disappointed (aren't we all really) so I usually don't get hurt when I receive an answer that might be negative. And more recently I actually have come to expect the answer to be negative. I didn't realize this though until a few days ago when the answer was positive. I felt as though I was in a movie scene.... "okay, well.... thanks anyway..." *at this point the character walks out of site* Then cut to two seconds later. *The same character comes walking back grinning from ear to ear...* "Really!?"

It's a nice feeling. I like it when people suprise me... and not many people do... but when they do I feel nice and I write about it. :) (So, yay for feel good moments like these.)

I'm off to have sweet dreams of Iraqi rhythm and music.

A long pause.

There are moments in our lives that seem to pass us by in such rapid succession not only are we unable to recall them all, but often times it seems as though they never existed at all. I hope one day to find a way to capture all of them and replay them in slow motion. Until that day I guess I'm limited to my ever faltering memory...

Time is a very tricky thing. In LA 8 months passed and I barely had enough time to blink an eyelid. But here. In Iraq... I must blink a hundred times a minute keenly aware of every flash... And even though the rest of the world is in everyday mode I maintain my slow motion status. I call these the Garden State moments of life... And I wishI could speed my own reaction to them up.

With nothing but time on our hands we tend to think back and remember those moments we otherwise might forget. Lately it seems I've been doing just that. (Included in this post are a few such moments that have ran through my mind.)