And then again

Dang. Today is one of those days where you just have to sigh and then convince yourself that something will come along or something will happen eventually that will make everything come into alignment and finally make sense.

Patience and understanding are two things I could use some more of.

Lately I've been a little down. And while I'm very grateful for the friends I have who make the effort to write... I find myself disappointed by the ones who don't. There once was a plan to move into a house when I return to California and not only have I not been able to get ahold of two of those people, but now my other friend is looking for a place without me... And all I can think is damn... I'll be home in a little over a month...

This is part of the reason I want to leave again as soon as I get 'home'... It's funny this should seem such a large part of my life still. :-\ Nowhere really feels like home. I guess it's fitting since everything I own is in storage. I never knew being independent meant feeling like your closest friends have forgotten about you.

I wonder am I being irrational... Maybe life is just busy and when you are constantly leaving people you shouldn't expect them to remember or coddle to you every five seconds. Or continue feeling connected. I mean if you aren't growing together then you maybe you are growing apart...

I should stop worrying about these things though... I'll be back in a little over a month and I'm sure I can find a cheap place by myself or maybe something will come together at the last minute. Maybe I'll move closer to work and start school. Start going to art shows and checking out more live music in the city. Drink less. Live more. Laugh often and do my own thing.

This is life and although it's a big confusing mess... I like to think this is my mess and I sort of like it. Disfunction and all. Even my doubts and fears... Maybe these keep us from being complacent. And maybe the unknown isn't as bad as we think... I define my own future.

The rain wasn't proceeded by a bow today... But the sun still sat as beautifully as it did yesterday and maybe tomorrow the sunrise will make up for what was missing today.

Over compensation.

I wonder if anyone really reads this thing, sometimes.

It rained today and I swear it was torrential downpour with 100% visibility... The sun was shining, but there were no rainbows though.

Some days I feel like my life is like this. The sun is shining and I'm falling apart, but it's 100% visibility and so I just ignore the hail. Sometimes it's refreshing yes, but I wouldn't mind a rainbow or two every now and then.

I'm completely beside myself and in between feelings and feeling a bit under the weather as well. I love adventures and life is great and at the same time... I hate that feeling of losing everything you've worked so hard to gain and at the same time I wish I'd just lose everything if that's what it takes to get this right... I mean this is life. And since I don't believe in anything afterwards I should probably make sure I get this right. But I haven't a clue what right is...

Is right to be selfless and moral and climbing the social ladder? Is right to help keep the peace and love everyone and never hurt another soul? Is right to go to church on Sunday and try to believe in something you never can to go to a place you'll never truly believe exists? Is right to be the way the world says you should be and never argue? Fuck. Nothing is right and I highly doubt it ever will be. So what am I chasing after? And why do I even care at all?

People have been asking the same fucking questions for eternity and there is no answer. There is no right or wrong... The only thing we have is what we believe to be correct.

I don't think I'll ever stop running...

And sometimes I wonder why...

"I feel like, I would like To be somewhere else doing something that mattersAnd I'll admit here, while I sit here My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather...
So I say if I can't, do something significant I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted And nothing trival, that life could give me will Measure up to what might have replaced it
Too late look, my date book Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone And I bet, that regret Will prove to get me to improve in the long run..."
-Reliant K

Whatever happened to Spuds McKenzie?

This really has nothing to do with Spuds, but I think a dog who can skateboard and bring you your beer should have a little something written in his name every now and again.

I love the sound of a well tuned guitar as it's reverberations exude through the evening air. There's nothing like tinkering around under the stars and crisp evening air. So, last night I decided to venture out for some alone time with my guitar.

No sooner did I sit down to play and who should show up, but 4 Chiefs. They asked me where I was from and told me I should know to open my guitar case while playing and gave me some Sadaam money. :) Haha.

I feel a little like Johnny Cash minus the burning ring of fire.

Speaking of musicians though The Charlie Daniel's Band is coming out here on April 15th. :) The Devil may have went down to Georgia... but I think Charlie wins because he's coming down to Hell. and I'll be here with a smile on my face when he gets here. Imagine I should get to rock out with the only person's music I'll do kareokee to.