And then again

Dang. Today is one of those days where you just have to sigh and then convince yourself that something will come along or something will happen eventually that will make everything come into alignment and finally make sense.

Patience and understanding are two things I could use some more of.

Lately I've been a little down. And while I'm very grateful for the friends I have who make the effort to write... I find myself disappointed by the ones who don't. There once was a plan to move into a house when I return to California and not only have I not been able to get ahold of two of those people, but now my other friend is looking for a place without me... And all I can think is damn... I'll be home in a little over a month...

This is part of the reason I want to leave again as soon as I get 'home'... It's funny this should seem such a large part of my life still. :-\ Nowhere really feels like home. I guess it's fitting since everything I own is in storage. I never knew being independent meant feeling like your closest friends have forgotten about you.

I wonder am I being irrational... Maybe life is just busy and when you are constantly leaving people you shouldn't expect them to remember or coddle to you every five seconds. Or continue feeling connected. I mean if you aren't growing together then you maybe you are growing apart...

I should stop worrying about these things though... I'll be back in a little over a month and I'm sure I can find a cheap place by myself or maybe something will come together at the last minute. Maybe I'll move closer to work and start school. Start going to art shows and checking out more live music in the city. Drink less. Live more. Laugh often and do my own thing.

This is life and although it's a big confusing mess... I like to think this is my mess and I sort of like it. Disfunction and all. Even my doubts and fears... Maybe these keep us from being complacent. And maybe the unknown isn't as bad as we think... I define my own future.

The rain wasn't proceeded by a bow today... But the sun still sat as beautifully as it did yesterday and maybe tomorrow the sunrise will make up for what was missing today.

Over compensation.

I wonder if anyone really reads this thing, sometimes.

It rained today and I swear it was torrential downpour with 100% visibility... The sun was shining, but there were no rainbows though.

Some days I feel like my life is like this. The sun is shining and I'm falling apart, but it's 100% visibility and so I just ignore the hail. Sometimes it's refreshing yes, but I wouldn't mind a rainbow or two every now and then.

I'm completely beside myself and in between feelings and feeling a bit under the weather as well. I love adventures and life is great and at the same time... I hate that feeling of losing everything you've worked so hard to gain and at the same time I wish I'd just lose everything if that's what it takes to get this right... I mean this is life. And since I don't believe in anything afterwards I should probably make sure I get this right. But I haven't a clue what right is...

Is right to be selfless and moral and climbing the social ladder? Is right to help keep the peace and love everyone and never hurt another soul? Is right to go to church on Sunday and try to believe in something you never can to go to a place you'll never truly believe exists? Is right to be the way the world says you should be and never argue? Fuck. Nothing is right and I highly doubt it ever will be. So what am I chasing after? And why do I even care at all?

People have been asking the same fucking questions for eternity and there is no answer. There is no right or wrong... The only thing we have is what we believe to be correct.

I don't think I'll ever stop running...

And sometimes I wonder why...

"I feel like, I would like To be somewhere else doing something that mattersAnd I'll admit here, while I sit here My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather...
So I say if I can't, do something significant I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted And nothing trival, that life could give me will Measure up to what might have replaced it
Too late look, my date book Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone And I bet, that regret Will prove to get me to improve in the long run..."
-Reliant K

Whatever happened to Spuds McKenzie?

This really has nothing to do with Spuds, but I think a dog who can skateboard and bring you your beer should have a little something written in his name every now and again.

I love the sound of a well tuned guitar as it's reverberations exude through the evening air. There's nothing like tinkering around under the stars and crisp evening air. So, last night I decided to venture out for some alone time with my guitar.

No sooner did I sit down to play and who should show up, but 4 Chiefs. They asked me where I was from and told me I should know to open my guitar case while playing and gave me some Sadaam money. :) Haha.

I feel a little like Johnny Cash minus the burning ring of fire.

Speaking of musicians though The Charlie Daniel's Band is coming out here on April 15th. :) The Devil may have went down to Georgia... but I think Charlie wins because he's coming down to Hell. and I'll be here with a smile on my face when he gets here. Imagine I should get to rock out with the only person's music I'll do kareokee to.

Where it all begins

"I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins..."

Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield

Kosovo

Today was a good day. These are my Kosovo pals. And that's the Kosovo flag in the background. I finally am able to remember Tafil's name (he's on the right). But I'm still working on even pronouncing my other friend's name let alone trying to remember it.

Kosovo is near Greece and they have good music.

I was watching one music video with them at lunch time and it was pretty funny. What is this word they keep saying I ask as I repeat it. They laugh and tell me it's a bad word. :) Haha. I guess it was about people from the country and the city and they were making fun of them... But I'm not sure if they were making fun of both groups or the country people being in the city. Hmm...

For 3 years of work these guys make $100,000 which is nothing to KBR, (I don't know what this stands for exactly although most of us have agreed it's an acronym for Keep Bush Rich. KBR is the company or group that hiars Americans and third country nationals to work on base.) but is kind of crap when an American can make $80,000 a year just watching some Indian guy pump gas and have everyone that fills up sign a sheet of paper.

Apparently Kosovo is a really great place, so I might add to my list of stops when I go backpacking through Europe.

Morning thoughts (with red Bull wings).

It's a random Tuesday morning and as I sit here sipping red bull I can't help but smile. Life is still good... Even in Iraq.

I've read 3 books since I arrived here and that's something since I haven't read in almost 4 years. Except I did read one book before I left home, What Good Boys. Since I've been here I've read The Last Witness, What Dreams May Come, and Angela's Ashes. I also read a short story by Steven King, but wasn't impressed.

book reviews
The Last Witness was a good concept although I think it was poorly written. The book contained too much self pity on part of the author and an annying child-like need for approval. I thought it could have really benefitted from having a few more quotes from the letters the author had in correspondance with the serial killers. I do think he did an excellent job of describing what happened when he visited one of them in a Chicago prison though.

What Dreams May come is 10 times better than the movie and I like the author's take on religon regardless of whether it follows my own beliefs or not. He actually acknowledged that people put off vibrations and made a few referrences to the former and I for one was and still am happy to hear someone else finally acknowledge the same thing I've been feeling. This book was amazingly well written a great read and shows tremendous imagination and belief on the part of the author. I hear he's written some darker stuff as well and I'll be sure to check out more of his works.

Angela's Ashes in a memoir. This book is amazing not only because the author was able to write truly from the eyes of a child but the detail with which he is able to recall all the events in his life. This put to life a lot of stories my own grandmother had told me from her youth. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult life must have been back in the 1930's... And the only thing I can really say in the negative is that I was dissappointed at the end left not knowing if his family ever made it to America.

driving lessons
I reviewed how to drive a standard with a friend the other day and then yesterday I drove one all by myself. I'll admit I did have to ask someone how to get it to start. Clutch in and throw that baby in neutral first thing. We have these Ford Ranger 4x4 extended cabs that run on diesel. And I've never heard of a regular truck running on diesel before. They're so nice, I want to bring one home with me.

a bit of culture
There's an Indian guy who works at one of our posts. His name is Harry. I guess he chose that name because no one can say his real name. Harry is a really nice guy and he even let me borrow an Indian music video he has. He's going to teach me how to play Rummy. :)

I bought a burnt CD of some Turkish pop music from the Turkish gift shop, which really doesn't sell anything Turkish, but rather electronical devices at ridiculous prices. I just happened to walk in and ask if they had any Turkish music or else I'd never know you could buy any there.

Mohammad who works at the Iraqi Market gave me a video with some live traditional Muslim music and I really like it. I just wish I could put the music on a CD somehow...

Tonight I'm heading over to the Army side with Riley to salsa dance with the Army and Italians. The Italians wear ridiculously skimpy and tight clothing and I think I'm still scarred from seeing one man's entire package bulging from his bike shorts. The Italians are always in our gym working out and I'm beginning to think their culture is either a really healthy one or maybe just obsessed with their looks.

I haven't gotten the opportunity to speak with any of the Japanese yet or Romanians, English, or Australians. But I'm hoping to before I leave.

I finally signed up to tour the Ziggurat and that's what I'll be doing on Thursday, which is also my day off. I still can't believe I'm living in Ur or as we Americans call it Mesopotamia. Regardless of whether you believe in God or not you have to admire the fact that so many religions believe this place is holy. In America we have the "Bible belt" and here in Iraq they have (this place) "the cradle of Civilization".

I cant wait to hear some more history about the Ziggurat and to actually understand the reason the it was built. I know it's a temple and I have to assume it's a Muslim Temple, but there has to be more right? :)

blissful inhibitian...

She called it a vision quest, but in so many ways this feels like no right of passage. Yes I'm seeing the world from the oposite side... but with blinders on. I haven't put them up, but I know they are there. I see what they want me to see. (They being the US gov't and those appointed over me whose orders I follow.)

As I fall in step... hupt, twopt, threept, fourpt... cadence leads us and yet I have to wonder where we'll all end up. I see corruption and it makes me sick. I see shoddy leadership and I refuse to follow to closely... I see people who are working for us living like this is truly their Alcatraz and I feel guilty.

The American attitude of anyone who isn't American is the enemy is all we've been taught. And too many of us only see to the borders of where these lines have been drawn never challenging whether we are right or wrong or questioning what may lie on the other side. Never seeing the humanity behind these faces staring to us for some sort of compassion.

Our ethnicity does not make us less than human. And I see people being treated like no one should. I am ashamed. At the same time I'm glad to be here. To show a different face of America. They say people like me are soft and seen as weak. But I think the true test of character is not being strong, but rather being strong when needed and knowing when is the right time to show that strength. It's in the balance.

All I know is that Tahseen does an awsome rendition of Snoop Dogg's, "For shizzle my nizzle snoopity double drizzle..." and "west siiiiiide". :) It's people like him that make me smile and make the days seem better. You haven't lived until you've heard Snoop with an Arabic accent.

I'm learning the language here a little bit as well. The communication barriers are tough... but it's nice to be learning new things and a new culture.

I have Turkish friends who rock too. Ramazan is pretty cool. Granted he should brush his teeth, but cool none the less. Alim (A-lim) is Turkish too and I think she's a good person. She's a Civil Engineer and also the only Turkish woman who works on base. Our guys give her a hard time and call her a bitch, but if you re-read Talk to Me Now by Ani DiFranco in my last blog... "I have to be just as tough as I can..." It's true. I've heard our men talk about her basically as only being good for sex. As though they think she's a prostitute. And here she has a degree and thinks way too much of herself to be that person. In a way I admire her courage to come here and the fact that she stays. It's that sort of strength I seek.

Playing celebrity LN and TCN is fun too. :) Personally Robin Williams and Einstein are my favorites. ;) They really look the part. (Hey we gotta have our fun too.)

Lately I've been feeling really materialistic and I actually regret buying my iPod... I guess I feel selffish. Especially when there are so many people living with so much less. And it's in my face everyday... I mean if I can't be humbled here will I ever? I'm dissappointed really. Maybe it's karma that it broke. *smiles faintly*

Maybe to finally rid ourselves of that materialistic nature within ourselves we have to fully acknowledge the extent to which it runs and how deep? I've been doing a lot of deep sea diving within myself lately. What would I do if I lost it all?

If everything I have, were to become everything I had...